I hate being like this..
Hello.
I need to say something and because everyone is asleep, I’m going to say it here. It’s 2 in the morning and right now, I feel awful. It’s bad.. Seriously if I had been at home alone, I would’ve done something with a razor, that’s so stupid :s
Today I got sort of a wake-up call. My friend was upset and I totally acted like a bitch, telling her she was acting childish and all sorts of stuff. Because I didn’t understand why she was that upset.
Surely if I had been in her shoes this weekend I would’ve cried like someone hit me or something. The thing is she went to Cologne to see Tokio Hotel this weekend. I really want to be happy and excited for her.. I just can’t. This is where the childishness in me comes out. I can’t help feeling anyone going to see them don’t deserve to, because I haven’t been to a concert or anything on almost two years.
My friend texted me saying she was feeling awful and I was cold and bitchy. In the end she wrote “Fuck you, you don’t care about me” and I got annoyed because it’s not true! Really it isn’t!
I told her if she really believed that I wasn’t going to stop her. After a while I felt bad and told her she really means a lot to me and that I love her so much. By then she told me she didn’t believe me.
Got me thinking.
The reasons I act all bitchy and cold sometimes is not because I am a bitch or because I want to. It’s simply my way of dealing with too much emotion or emotions I don’t understand. I have Asperger’s syndrome, it’s one of the ways it shows on me. – That’s why my sister keeps telling me I’m selfish and manipulative.
I might act weird and stuff, but it isn’t always something I am doing on purpose. Most of the times I can’t help it. This episode just made me think. What if my friend is not taking this into account? It’s all quite new and maybe ppl don’t think about it too much.
I don’t have too many friends who really mean a lot to me. What if I was to lose one of them because of the AS? Because of my behavior? Of something I’m not in control of?
Later I tried to explain this to her, but I’m not exactly sure how it went.. I don’t want to seem like the girl who can’t take responsibility, I feel like it's all my own fault..
I really, really love this girl. She means more to me than I can ever explain and I get frustrated when I find she doesn’t believe me. I get aggressive, when I get frustrated -.-
I can’t lose her. I told her the truth when I said I couldn’t ever live without her. We might upset each other but it doesn’t matter because she’s one of the few ppl who understand me. I wish to god I can somehow find a way to tell her I’m serious and that I’m not going anywhere. I just got so scared when she told me she didn’t believe me. The day one of us doesn’t trust the other it’s over.. No reason to continue. >.<
WHAT A DAMN SCARY THOUGHT!
Not only concerning my friendship with her, but my other friends as well. What if one day they get enough and just.. leave?
