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I am a bit freaky, but I have to show you this picture!

I only just found this yesterday and I fell totally in love with it D: This picture is exactly that kind of picture I've been waiting forever to see! *fangirls*
I love how they look at each other, their outfits, the 'pose', everything!
 My new fave of the Kaulitz twins no damn doubt about that.

It's so amazing I made my very great friend Lisa make a wallpaper and a set on http://tokiohotelus-forum.com/index.php with it.

Wall:


Set:

The lyrics are from the gorgeous song "The Best Thing" by Savage Garden ^^  Just if you'd like to get something amazing to write on your graphics next time ;D

I'm out for now.

Canni xx

Right so it is pretty obvious what I am going to tell you now, isn't it? A few days ago the fans heard something about Bill having yet a new haircut. This time mohawk. Many didn't really believe it since there were no pictures at the time.

Within a couple of days we got a picture of him from the back and we saw for ourselves what it looked like. And just now, we got this picture ^^

I think it looks amazing! It's his best haircut to date. Makes him look boyish, beautiful and damn hot *_*  That combi is fantastic. I love his new look and hope he will keep it for a long time :D

xx Canni

I had thought my next blog would be about something a bit more cheerful than this but this just proves I’m in such a bad period. :s Almost like the one when my ex broke up or last time I dropped out of an education >.<

Talking about that I am considering dropping out from Uni, because it’s just so hard and when my heart isn’t in it, it’s just making it even more difficult. I still need to tell my parents about the AS and the rest of my family.

Mum told me yesterday that she and dad are not going to be disappointed, if I do drop out – Why can’t I just believe it? /: She has given me no reason to, that’s why. Wish I could count on their support.

On the last couple of days, I have been so damn scared I would lose someone because of the way I can’t seem to treat my girlfriends properly. Tonight one of them proved that fear to be correct and very possible. When I told her she just needed to tell me if she wanted it to stop, she didn’t protest. So I guess it’s quite likely.. She was disappointed with my behavior and I can only say she was right. I know I’m an awful friend to her. I’m demanding, childish, mean, cold and bitchy. I do not deserve her in my life.

People keep telling me I do deserve friends, but I can’t help but feeling like I don’t. If I did, then God would’ve created me without AS and social blindness.. -.-

We had this huge fight, she told me things like she never has before. It was like it wasn’t her. I had never thought she could say things like that. It broke my heart, simply because she was right: nothing to say against it.   

I can’t say or do anything.. I love you so much, but it’s up to you – I’ll not blame you if you chose to stop here..

xx

Hello.

I need to say something and because everyone is asleep, I’m going to say it here. It’s 2 in the morning and right now, I feel awful. It’s bad.. Seriously if I had been at home alone, I would’ve done something with a razor, that’s so stupid :s

Today I got sort of a wake-up call. My friend was upset and I totally acted like a bitch, telling her she was acting childish and all sorts of stuff. Because I didn’t understand why she was that upset.

Surely if I had been in her shoes this weekend I would’ve cried like someone hit me or something. The thing is she went to Cologne to see Tokio Hotel this weekend. I really want to be happy and excited for her.. I just can’t. This is where the childishness in me comes out. I can’t help feeling anyone going to see them don’t deserve to, because I haven’t been to a concert or anything on almost two years.

My friend texted me saying she was feeling awful and I was cold and bitchy. In the end she wrote “Fuck you, you don’t care about me” and I got annoyed because it’s not true! Really it isn’t!

I told her if she really believed that I wasn’t going to stop her. After a while I felt bad and told her she really means a lot to me and that I love her so much. By then she told me she didn’t believe me.

Got me thinking.
The reasons I act all bitchy and cold sometimes is not because I am a bitch or because I want to. It’s simply my way of dealing with too much emotion or emotions I don’t understand. I have Asperger’s syndrome, it’s one of the ways it shows on me. – That’s why my sister keeps telling me I’m selfish and manipulative.

I might act weird and stuff, but it isn’t always something I am doing on purpose. Most of the times I can’t help it. This episode just made me think. What if my friend is not taking this into account? It’s all quite new and maybe ppl don’t think about it too much.

I don’t have too many friends who really mean a lot to me. What if I was to lose one of them because of the AS? Because of my behavior? Of something I’m not in control of?
Later I tried to explain this to her, but I’m not exactly sure how it went.. I don’t want to seem like the girl who can’t take responsibility, I feel like it's all my own fault..

I really, really love this girl. She means more to me than I can ever explain and I get frustrated when I find she doesn’t believe me. I get aggressive, when I get frustrated -.-
I can’t lose her. I told her the truth when I said I couldn’t ever live without her. We might upset each other but it doesn’t matter because she’s one of the few ppl who understand me. I wish to god I can somehow find a way to tell her I’m serious and that I’m not going anywhere. I just got so scared when she told me she didn’t believe me. The day one of us doesn’t trust the other it’s over.. No reason to continue. >.<

WHAT A DAMN SCARY THOUGHT!
Not only concerning my friendship with her, but my other friends as well. What if one day they get enough and just.. leave?

I have to tell you guys the other reason I had an amazing day yesterday! :D

It was because of this:

Part 1:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV7a3bSmXqU

 Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZyUDjO0KcpI

Seriously, I have got to get these albums! Ô They’re so amazinfg and so far there’s not a single song I don’t like! It might be freaky, but I have to have both of them in deluxe versions cause to me it’s completely different songs from German to English. :P

I’m not gonna sit and talk about it a lot. You listen yourself it’s speaks for itself really ^^ 

Humanoid = Pure fucking love <33

Canni xx  

Hello again ^^ 

I just wanted to let you all know I had an awesome day yesterday :D

Well, the day started off as bad as usual (I have the biggest problems with getting out of bed) but when I got to school I was relieved to talk to my group and tell them about the AS. They all said it was alright and that of course they will all take it into account when it comes to what we all have to do in this project.

They sat afterwards and talked to me about me just finding out and how the AS affects me. So considerate and sweet. I’m so happy I told them so soon. I felt they needed to know asap even though I haven’t been diagnosed by a psychiatrist yet.

Now I need to talk to my parents, but not yet. Not ready.. /:

I got off early and went to meet my dad, sister and mum in town.  We walked around for a bit and at Sunset I said I have been thinking about borrowing money from my bank to buy a minicomputer. So afterwards i went to call my bank and my adviser said to go ahead :D

Then dad and I went everywhere to get one and finally we found the one I wanted later and I bought it immidiately. :P I am now the lucky owner of this baby:



I’m so happy I got it. It’s amazing and I love writing on it ^^  and it’s perfect for school and when I’m bringing a computer somewhere other than at home. :D

I’m off again, baibai *waves* 

Canni xx

*jumps in* hii! :D

Right so I have some updates on the whole “I might have Asperger’s”-thing. It seems very likely that I do, since I have almost every symptom and I’ve shown them very clearly ever since I was three years old. 
I’m not going to sit here and make a list, because nobody wants to read it and it takes forever so xD

I went to see my psychologist Monday and when I told her what I found out, she said she had been thinking about that for some time and that I should call my doctor to get an appointment asap. So I did and that appointment was today.

He agreed no doubt and he told me he’d contact a psychiatrist at the hospital in town and have him/her make an appointment asap. So it’s official. I do have Asperger’s and as soon as I get diagnosed I’ll be able to get some help.

I think I’m going to have to talk to my group at school tomorrow. And to someone at school who will be able to help. I need some things, planning and stuff so maybe they’ll be able to help ^^

I just wanted you to know :D

Bye
Canni xx

*waves* Hello ^^ 

So I have this new ff, I translated into English and it just got accepted to www.tokiohotelfiction.com :D It’s a oneshot and it’s called:



A short preview:
It’s hard enough that Danni comes around to hang out with Bill. But when they practically are strangling each other with tongues, right in front of me it’s almost unbearable. I want for it to be me with Danni, so bad it hurts.

Here's the link: http://fiction.tokiohotelfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=12193 


Please go read ^^  And don’t forget to comment :D Hope you’ll enjoy it <3

Canni xx

So a friend and me, have been writing this fanfiction for a little time now, and it's called "In between". It's about Gustav's littlesister, which also is Toms girlfriend, and Bill is totally in love with her. The idea was originally made from a roleplay on textmessages, but we thought it could become a really great fanfiction! We just posted chapter 1 at www.tokiohotelfiction.com :D You should take a look!
 We'll keep updating as much as possible!!

Hi guys ^^ 

I’ve been so sloppy with my blog lately. Things have been kind of stressed since I just started Uni in Aalborg. Tuesday the 1^st of September I went to start and didn’t come home until it was half past 4 am and I had to go again half an hour later. A party for all the first years; I went home early to get some sleep.

Have always had a problem with being ‘on’ for a long time. It’s hard for me to relax when I’m in public so that wasn’t all fun. It was quite nice in the end, but I needed sleep.

Wednesday I had a lecture for three hours. A huge wave of information; I can’t even remember half most likely -.-

Then later when I got home I went to see my sister. We got to talk about something my psychiatrist told me last time I was in session. She told me I’m younger mentally than psysically. Basically I act like I’m 16-17 years old. Sometimes even younger, which will explain why I’m often told I act immaturely.

My sister then told me she had thought of something which might fit on my situation. She had heard about Agperger’s Syndrome a long time ago in connection with her edcation and she then went to look at information about it.
Apparently she was afraid of my reaction which is why she didn’t tell me when she read it. I then suggested we googled it and when I read that, I was almost in chock. Seriously, everything exept maybe two things fits on me. O_O

It explains so much and I’m kind of relieved to know. But I have no clue how my parents couldn’t see this. I have just about every symptom (starting from when I was 3 years old) and still nobody ever thought of mentioning it.
Mum is educated to know this stuff, how can she not know?! Ô

Scary how I actually have to figure this out on my own, when most cases of Asperger’s are discovered when the child is in kindergarden O_o

I know for a fact that mum is embarrased with me in other areas but is she really that embarrasted, that she’ll keep something from her daughter, which is gonna cause her so many truobles? :s Is that really my mum?!

Well, I have to say, I don’t know for sure if that’s it. I need to have my psychiatrist diagnose me and I’m not meeting her until this Monday. O.o

I’m so stressed out about school and this thing. Thursday we had another lecture, and I had to give up in the end, cause I didn’t understand anything -.- Friday I thought we were off, but I had to go to a meeting with my group. When I finally got off for a nice long weekend, I was so relieved. (Really you’re not supposed to feel like that when it’s just 4 days since you started >.<

Anyway now I am with my friend Jeanette and we’re having a great time ^^ Needed some time away from home and since it’s been ages since we spend any time together, I came down here for the weekend :P

We’re doing ffs and just relaxing atm. I have a lot to write so I’ll be off now :P 

See you guys later

Canni xx